Archive | January, 2008


29 Jan

I’m currently too stressed out to put together a coherent blog post, so here’s some randomness to keep you entertained until I surface from the pile of work, mortgage stuff, and laundry my life has turned into this week: 

  • There have been rumors that the NKOTB comeback rumor is false, based on a myspace post by Danny Frog Face Wood.   However, has a new song by the kids, with a moving montage of pictures behind it.  To steal the wittyness of Becca, Hang Tough and wait for the comeback!
  • Are the Idol auditions over yet?  What about the writer’s strike?  If this continues, I may need to actually go back to the gym.
  • Speaking of the gym, I may have agreed to run the Marine Corps Marathon in October.  This agreement came after a few beers, though, so I think that makes the lying okay.  At least that’s what my ex told me.
  • Lost comes back Thursday!  Thankfully, there will also be a recap, as I have no clue what happened last season.
  • The Pats are in the Superbowl!  I know, I know, everyone hates them, but they’re my team, and I’ll be rooting for them no matter what you haters say.  On a related note, I love the fact that “they” call the Giants “The New York Football Giants.”  I don’t quite understand why, but I do know they don’t even play in New York, so that makes me feel smart.
  • Apple is sucking me in again.  I want a MacBook Air.  Because I often need to interoffice my laptop (doesn’t everybody?), so this would come in handy for me.  I wonder if I can expense it?
  • I think I have kennel cough.  While I know this is serious it dogs, there is something highly amusing about a dog coughing. 

Breaking Entertainment News!

26 Jan


New Kids on the Block are making a comeback!  I’ve been waiting for this day for years.  Now the statement I made to my dad when I was twelve that the New Kids would be bigger than the Beatles will come true!  I wonder if it will feel different this time, with MP3s instead of tapes, no more Skidz, and Joey McIntyre being married with a baby instead of sixteen?  I just hope J lets me put his poster back up in the bedroom. 

Here’s the story from   I signed up for updates on, so I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

wikiHow of the Week: Warning: Dead Rodent Post

24 Jan

How to Deal With Your Hamster Dying

Sadly, it happens to every hamster, just as it does to all living beings. The end comes from old age or illness. However, knowing about the inevitability doesn’t ease the pain for you and the desire to do what you can to help your hamster.   Its the Ciiir-cle of Life.  And it moves us all. 

Here’s how to deal with it.


  1. Let go. If your hamster is slowly dying because of old age, don’t try to prolong its life by doing things that make it miserable. Leave it alone, but be sure to feed and water it. Your presence may comfort it at some deeper subliminal level.  Just be there.
  2. Aid an ailing, aged hamster. Some old hamsters may not be able to move to eat or drink. Put their food and water in a dish in front of them.   Do not shake the cage repeatedly, insisting the hamster is still breathing and just sleeping, as my mother did when my beloved Beetlejuice died.
  3. Make sure the hamster is comfortable. Provide clean and soft bedding. Perhaps Fluffy would enjoy sleeping in your bed for a few days?

  4. Don’t try to take your old hamster out of the cage. It hates it, but it has no energy to fight.  Don’t put him in his little ball and push him down the stairs either.  Not that I would know from experience or anything…
  5. If your hamster is dying of a sickness, take it to a vet! If you cannot afford this, it may go away after awhile. If it has a wet tail, (symptoms: diarrhea, wet anus), this is often fatal. As little as 24 hours after symptoms occur your hamster may be gone. Be prepared.  This doesn’t apply to humans, right?
  6. Remember these things when your hamster has gone:
    • You don’t have to get a new one if you don’t want to. You’d be surprised, many times it will help ease the pain seeing a new little bundle of joy in there. After all, it is the circle of life being completed again and again by renewal after loss.  See?  I told you this earlier!  That Elton John is smaht!
    • If it helps, make a pet funeral. Put your hamster in a small box and bury it somewhere beloved in your garden.  Pencil cases work well.  Just make sure you bury him deeply enough so that your puppy doesn’t dig him up.  That’s not a nice memory.
    • If you are going to mope around because of your sadness, you may want to get another hamster or perhaps a different pet. If not, try some activities that get you out of the house doing different things for a while. Staying at home will make you unhappier during the grieving time.  Maybe a support group?


  • If it’s all just too painful to watch, go to your vet and ask them to euthanize your pet. They will be caring and do the right thing by your pet. Ask for the hamster’s body if you wish to bury it.   I honestly didn’t realize that vets would euthanize a hampster. 


  • Do not flush the hamster down the toilet. This is not only going to clog up your system and make parents very annoyed, it is most disrespectful to the hamster.   Call me sick, but this made me laugh and laugh. 

I Want to Quit the Gym!

23 Jan

I’ve been a member of my current gym for a few years.  It really can’t be any more convenient, as its in the same building as my office.  I can park my car in front of the gym, and if I don’t go, I get crap from the owner the next day.  Nothing like guilting me onto the treadmill!  I used to love my gym — lots of machines, free personal training, and great classes.  Lately, not so much.

It started with the trainers.  I could never get the same trainer twice, and when I found one I really liked, they’d quit.  My favorite trainer, who gave me tons of pointers on the marathon, quit/got fired the day of the marathon, so I never got to tell her how I did.  Now, there’s only one trainer at night, so its nearly impossible to get an appointment, especially with the influx of January newbies.   Since I clearly have a motivation problem, having a trainer appointment is critical to my gym experience.

Speaking of newbies, here’s a PSA:  The gym is not that complicated.  Pick a machine, hit start, and go.  There’s no need to wander aimlessly among the treadmills, picking just the right TV and cardio machine, before getting on for 3 minutes and leaving to talk to your buddy.  You don’t need a matching outfit, you do need an elastic for your hair.  And wipe off your sweat when you get off!

Anyways, the clincher came when my kickboxing class got cancelled.  My teacher, a huge dude named Scott that was an awesome teacher, but not someone I’d like to meet in a back alley, left to go to his own gym on the Cape.  Plus, he didn’t often get paid on time, and threatened to steal the cash register if he didn’t get his check, but I’m sure that was no biggie, right?  Its been a month, and no new kickboxing classes have been scheduled.  Punching and kicking just isn’t the same without a big sweaty dude who smells like cigarettes yelling at you to breathe.

The owner, however, has been bugging me to take his stupid Cardio Sport class.  The owner is also a trainer who made me cry, but that’s a whole other story.  Cardio Sport is like gym class.  I’m not old enough to forget the trauma of gym class, so this is not a big selling point for me.  The class involves a lot of running around the gym, so getting to the locker room is like crossing a busy highway.  There are also obstacle courses and soccer games, including lots of yelling and some pushing.  Plus lots of opportunity to have people point and laugh at you, and homey don’t play that. 

I think I’ve just outgrown this gym.  Its time to move on, even though it will be hard.  We’ve had some good times together.  I’ve been mentally prepping myself for the inevitable, “Hey, don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?”  And my response, “No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!”**

 **From Friends, but some of you already knew that!

Well, Isn’t This Cheery?

20 Jan

I’m finding myself at a loss of things to blog about, so  just Googled “things to blog about.”  The first hit was to this site, accurately titled “Blog Things.”  This site has all sorts of crap you can stick in your Blog, My Space, or Facebook page.  The very first item is this cheery little number:


So, I decided to take the quiz, for shits and giggles (you can also find out your BMI on the same page.  Yay).  Normally, I’m not this morbid, but I felt as though I owed it to all my faithful readers to be as accurate as possible with whatever I post. 

The quiz starts with all sorts of scientific questions, like “How many fruits to you eat each day?”, and continues on to “How often do you drink coffee?”  Because no fruit and too much coffee will knock ten years off your life right away, dontcha know?  I accidentally clicked “Yes” to “Do you have any pets?” and got sent right to the next page.  I went right back to change it.  No Fido here killing me softly!

All of the questions have a little picture next to them.  The one asking for your zip has the “Beverly Hills 90210” logo next to it.  Sweet.  I was honest and answered yes to “Do you have a need for speed?”  I was not honest when they asked for my e-mail and mailing address to continue.  My apologies in advance to

I then had to decline about a million offers with a scary skeleton in the corner of the screen.  I did accept an offer for a free trial pair of contacts, just to make it stop, but it didn’t.  I think this process took at least ten years off my life.  Then I yelled “I just want to know when I’ll die!” which thoroughly confused J.

So, this is what I got:

So, while you are not a picture of health you are doing alright, congratulations! You will die between the ages of 61-70. This should be enough time to really enjoy life and live it to the fullest. This doesn’t mean you can begin to endulge in fatty foods and forget to exercise, it just means you can continue on your course

Well, that’s not very good, is it?  I thought I’d at least make it to 75 or so.  I guess its off to the gym tomorrow.  I know I can just “continue on my course,” but really, dying at 61 isn’t something I’m looking forward to.  I’m not sure why I’m listening to a webpage that can’t spell “indulge” properly, but if it gets me to the gym, I’ll take it!

wikiHow of the Week

19 Jan

How to Let out Your Anger

a good guideline for the picture

“Oh, gosh, I absolutely despise that math teacher! Blah, blah, blah, ‘Honey, pay attention, oh look, your test: let me rip it up in front of you and give you a zero!’ Blah, blah, blah.” Does this sound familiar? Whether it’s your teacher or your boss, everyone gets mad at someone, and needs something to vent their aggravation out on.



  1. Draw a picture of them and make it as ugly, hideous, and grotesque as you can.  Embarrassingly enough, we actually did this in high school (we = the corporate we).  We drew a picture of our Calculus teacher, complete with the shirt sticking out of his fly and everything.  I think he may have found it, and then we felt horribly guilty.
  2. Look at a mirror and pretend that they are standing right there, and you can’t get in trouble for whatever you say. This makes you look a bit crazy.
  3. Write a letter to them and write the most inappropriate things possible that you really would say to them if you could (do not actually send!). Duh
  4. Download a picture of them onto a picture editing program. See how they’d look with a mustache, beard, runny nose, etc.  Okay, this could be amusing.


  1. Apologize.  If you want to keep your friendship.  If not, just stay angry and let it fester.  No need to talk it out or anything.

In General

  1. Take a run, go swimming, play a sport with a friend. Physical exertion is a great way to get rid of stress. Anything to get your mind off of the topic.   Maybe I should get mad at someone to make me actually go running.
  2. Scream into a pillow. Pile all the pillows you can get, jump onto them, scream, and punch at the pillows. Pretend it’s the person you’re mad at.  Again, makes you look crazy as well as angry.  Not a good combo.


  • If you find that you’re using this article excessively, you might want to lower the hatred on people you meet. Good point.  Or try Anger Management classes.  I had a friend at work who had to take these after screaming at a co-worker for 30 minutes.


  • Do not let any teacher, friend, or boss witness any of the things you wrote, drew, or spoke! YOU COULD GET FIRED, SUSPENDED, OR LOSE A FRIEND!
  • Do not actually send the angry letter.  

Both of the above are big duhs.

This week’s topic wasn’t so helpful, so here’s another just for fun.  I’m not commenting because, frankly, I’m not really sure what the hell it all means.

How to Varial Kickflip

This is basically just a tre flip with a 180 shove-it instead of a 360 shove-it.


  1. Place your front foot just like a kickflip and the back foot like a pop shove-it.
  2. Pop the tail not for ollie but shove for it. This will make the board do the specific turn.
  3. After that, slightly and swiftly and also very fast kick it(but not too much, only do it fast.) Prepare your body for landing a Shove-it.
  4. Practice.


  • While You do need speed for this trick, too much will result in a bad landing and to little or none at all will make the trick almost impossible to do.(the board will either go to far away or wont spin enough).
  • You don’t need to know how to kickflip. You just need the beginning stance.
  • This trick can be learned very fast and is Simple yet it LOOKS complex. It is a very good crowd pleaser.
  • If you cant get this trick down correctly in a matter of days then learn the Pop shove-it and kickflip separately.  


  • Watch out for your ankles… sometimes the board may spin badly and hit you in the lower legs…

Newsflash: I’m Normal!

17 Jan

I’m a bit of an American Idol junkie.  It started when J & I first started dating and watched the finale of the first season at his house.  Yes, I cried when Kelly Clarkson sang “A Moment Like This.”  Not just that night, but every time I heard it for the next week.  And I thought it would be my wedding song, but that just didn’t fly with J.  Something about being bad music and uber-cheesy.  Whatever.

Anyway, since then, I just started watching for the bad auditions, and then got totally sucked in to the entire season.  So much so that I organized a work pool last year, complete with a color coded spreadsheet (I know this will make Jane proud!)  There was some controversy last year when I was the co-winner of the pool, so I am refusing to organize the pool this year and am withholding the spreadsheet from my ungrateful coworkers <hair flip>.

So, Idol is back, and, frankly, its the only thing on television until Lost comes back at the end of the month.   If I watch another episode of John and Kate Plus Eight I may never have sex again.  And, while The Biggest Loser can be inspiring, its counter-effective to watch it on my couch with my head in a bag of Cheetos.

The next few weeks of Idol will be full of bad performers whose families clearly don’t love them enough to tell them they suck.  Seriously.  Why doesn’t anyone stop these people?  I’m not claiming I can sing, at all.  Crap, I can barely play a guitar that has color coded buttons.  Buy you don’t see me spewing Celine Dion on national television.  J barely lets me get through a song in the shower without howling like a wounded puppy. 

This week Idol showcased some of its finest idiots.  Like the nineteen year old who hasn’t kissed a girl yet and is waiting for his wedding day.  Uh, yeah, kid, that will happen.  Or the woman with the massive amount of sparkles on her face who freaked out because Simon didn’t like the way she screamed sang.  And the many people who had to be hauled off stage for refusing to get off, or threatening to break into Paula’s house.  It was also full of the sob stories I’ve come to love when the singer is good, and make fun of when the singer is bad.  There was a woman on last night who lost half her face and the sight in one eye in an accident.  Which, while sad, promted the evil Julie in me to comment to J that the lack of vision at least explained how she picked out the outfit she chose to wear. 

I think Fox will be overloaded with freaks next week, when their new show The Moment of Truth premieres.  I can hardly wait.  I feel so normal and sane by the time I go to bed at night, that I almost forget about writing down what the senior I had a crush on as a freshman wore every day.  Almost.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

13 Jan

Football is my #2 favorite sport, following baseball, of course.  I have to admit that I don’t get football like I get baseball.  I know how the game is played, I just don’t understand all the rules.  I swear J yells “Pass Interference” after every single yellow flag.  (By the way, I think need one of those flags.  I’m going to throw it at the feet of whoever stands outside my office & stares at me until I get off the phone.)  I still enjoy the game, I just spend a lot of time pretending I know what’s going on and repeating what other people said, like: “Wow, did you see that?  That was clearly holding.”  to which I reply, “Oh yeah, big time holding!”

Of course, I’m a Patriots fan.  I’m a big believer in rooting for the team from where you’re from.  So, like my love/love relationship with the Sox, I was born a Pats fan.  Before Gillette Stadium became the mecca it is today, the Pats pre-season was down the street from my house, at Bryant University.  My grandfather took my brother & I there to get autographs of all the players, which I promptly stuck in my coffee can time capsule and buried in the backyard somewhere. 

Like I said, I’m all about team loyalty, even if your team doesn’t just happen to have an undefeated season, a ticket to the AFC Championship Game next week, a record breaking offense, and a damn fine looking quarterback.  Speaking of, based on hotness and hotness only, TB QB is not #1 on my hot QB list.  Instead, it goes like this:

1. Drew Brees


2. TB QB (the butt chin lost him a few points)


3. Philip Rivers


4.  Tony Romo


5. Peyton Manning


I’m in my glory over the fact that #2 & #3 will be on the same field, just miles from my home, next weekend.  Maybe they’ll get in a cat fight and start ripping off each others clothes.  Do men do things like that?

Wait, I was talking about football.  Loyalty is great, even if your team went 1-15 and you happen to live in New England and are too jealous to even give a little cheer for the Patriots (coughJodicough).  I can respect that.  If the Sox played a piss poor season and I lived in NY, I wouldn’t root for the Yankees.  Ever. 

I’m very excited that the Chargers are playing the Patriots next week, although I would love to be back in that bar in San Diego when the Pats go 18-0.  And I’m excited for the halftime show in the Superbowl.   Maybe we’ll see Tom Petty’s nipple.

To prove I’m a happy, well adjusted fan, I’ll be kind and not automatically delete any “Spygate” or cheater comments that will inevitably appear. 

Weekly wikiHow: Fashion

10 Jan

How to Look Good in Skinny Jeans if You Are Curvy

Every girl’s loyal best friend, yet deadly enemy is looking good in skinny jeans. So take these tips if you please, oh and please do.


  1. When buying skinny jeans always make sure they are dark, for example a navy or black perhaps.   Are black jeans back in style?  Really?  Why?
  2. Buy them a bit long as it will balance out your figure and make chunky legs appear longer.   “A bit long” on someone 5 feet tall like myself is the understatement of the year.
  3. Opt for a pair of killer heels as they lengthen legs and flatter your posterior. A nice pair of ballet pumps will do but, heels are better.   If you can’t walk in them, keep them at home.
  4. Wear them with a loose fitting top as they’ll flatter your tummy and you won’t have the muffin top effect.   Note to self:  muffin top is out.  Darn.
  5. Wearing longer tops or tunics will also add to the flattering effect.   Again, unless the long top comes to your knees when it should go to your hips.  Trust me.
  6. Most importantly have self-confidence and let boys know it doesn’t matter if you have a few extra pounds.   That’s right!  Chubby kids can squeeze into tight jeans too!


  • Do wear stilettos, sexy girl.  Work it girlfriend!  (insert snappy fingers here)
  • Look for bargain jeans at primark. and H&M.  I had to Google Primark.  Its across the pond, and amazingly carries the same outfit I plan to wear to my next office function. 



  • Don’t wear them with flip flops, you’re not Russell Brand. It may look good on his puny legs but, it just doesn’t work.   Again, I had to Google.  I’m still not sure who he is, but he appears to be a bit creepy.  Here’s his website.  I couldn’t get a good look at his legs to confirm or deny if they look good in skinny jeans with flip flops.
  • Please don’t go anorexic to fit in to those jeans. Just eat healthy, exercise and always remember who you are.   While this is true, I wonder if Oprah wrote this wikiHow.  Its sounds like something she would say.

A Rough Few Days

8 Jan

Are you all sitting for this?

My guitar is broken.  Broken!  After two weeks!  The yellow button doesn’t work.  Well, it works sporadically.  And, no, I’m not just missing the notes.   Really. 

This is so frustrating to me, especially considering the fact I dragged my boss’ son’s guitar out at a retirement party and crushed “One.”  Crushed it after 4 drinks, no less.  I had a 267 note streak.  Then I get home, and boom!  No yellow button. 

We tried to play without it, to hit it harder and coax it into working to no avail.  On Sunday night, J declared “I’m not playing this piece of shit until we get a new one.”  And hightailed it to Toys R Us today.  Praise the Lord!

So I have a brandy new guitar and game waiting for me at home.  J is “sick” and probably mastering Medium as we speak.  All I can do is sit at work and try to strengthen my pinky.

 In honor of Guitar Hero being back, here’s a cartoon my friend “Jessi” posted on my My Space page: