wikiHow of the week: Sitting

22 Mar

How to Sit at a Formal Party

There’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.–Matt Groening (b. 1954)

People have been sitting since the early days of Colonial America, when Benjamin Franklin determined that a sedentary orientation was the best position from which to achieve the comfort level necessary to enjoy books borrowed from the Library Company of Philadelphia, established in 1731. This is the the proper way to sit in a chair. This may be helpful when you’re at a lavish party.

Steps

  1. Decide very carefully which chair you are going to sit on. “Chairs to the left of me, chairs to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you”.   (Are these folding chairs at my formal dinner party?  If so, I’m turning around and going home).

  2. When going to your table, pull out your chair. Pull it out slowly, but not too slowly. The goal is to complete this maneuver before the party ends.   (Don’t do this if someone is already in the chair).
  3. Sit down, again little by little, but not too slowly. You don’t want too much to happen between the time you begin your descent and the time you achieve your target position. You don’t want to miss any riparian entertainments being offered by the lady of the house.  (What?!?)
  4. If you have the opportunity to be seated out-of-doors, choose your location with great care. There may be a stupendous view just a few steps away. Don’t miss it. If mountains are near, use a feng-shui consultant and a compass so that you will achieve the perfect angle of repose.  (“No thank you Geeves, I’d rather sit out back with the livestock.”)

  5. Sit in the middle of the chair seat at first. If you are a magnificently accomplished chair sitter, you could try perching on the side, but only after quite a bit of rigorous practice. This might be useful if someone near you has not yet finished their dessert and you are still a bit hungry. You will probably want two helpings.   (Or f you have to share you seat with that cat and don’t want a crotch full of claws & teeth).

  6. If you are a cat, you will need to use a different body position. Sadly, modern-day technology has not advanced to the point where we know the perfect position for feline seating, so make your best guess. Run with it. You need to a take a chance in life to get a little comfort. (Here that, cats?  Owners, please read to you cat if they are too stupid to read.  And let me know, because stupid cats will not be invited to my next dinner party). 

Tips

  • Sitting has been outlawed in Nevada because it interferes with the ability of casino patrons to move among slot machines and other gaming devices. However, you can still find seating in nearby Utah if you are lucky enough to arrive on a non-sabbath day.  (You can’t sit anywhere in Nevada?  When the plane enters Nevada, do you have to stand up?)

Warnings

  • You shouldn’t do this at informal parties. (No sitting at informal parties.  Standing only).

  • Under no circumstances should you attempt to sit on a chair which is covered with snow.This could be incredibly dangerous and could , in case of a sudden rise in temperature, make you quite moist in exceedingly uncomfortable areas.  (You shouldn’t be at a formal party with snow on the chairs to begin with)
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3 Responses to “wikiHow of the week: Sitting”

  1. Val March 22, 2008 at 9:18 am #

    Somehow I don’t think my cats would care if modern technology found the “perfect” way for them to sit. I think they’d still choose whichever position they want and wherever they want 🙂

  2. jessica March 25, 2008 at 5:31 am #

    how do you come up with these things! they are too funny!

  3. Mare March 25, 2008 at 8:42 am #

    Wow. I hope that there was no payment for the author of this one.

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