Kids vs. Pets: The Ultimate Showdown

2 Jan

As promised, here’s Part Two of Pets.  I’m sure there are more reasons that I can’t currently recall, but this should get you thinking for now.  I began this particular rant on the long walk to the BAC caf for horrible (but free!) coffee, and finally wrote it down like I said I would.

Reasons why kids are better than pets:*

Bodily Functions:

Sure, kids need diapers, and those pull-up things, but dogs need to be walked, and cats need a litter box you have to clean out.  All will have accidents on your carpet at one point or another.  But kids become potty trained by 2 or 3.  A dog will never pick up its own poop, and a cat will never clean its own litter box.  Please spare me the cats who use the toilet stories, I don’t buy it.

Winner: Kids


Yes, you have to feed both kids & pets.  But kids eventually learn to feed themselves, and ever better, may feed you too.  I doubt your pooch will become a gourmet chef like your son might.

Winner: Kids


Yes, kids need clothes and animals do not, unless you have one of those ultra sensitive dogs that can’t get cold or get their paws wet.  In which case, I ask, “really?  Tell your dog to grow a pair,” but that’s a whole other story.  On a semi-related side note, you should never have a dog whose hairdresser (fur-dresser?) bill is larger than yours.  Like a poodle with a perm.  I guess you could credit the pets with this one, but, while I understand children can be hard to dress, try putting a Christmas sweater on a puggle and tell me what’s harder?  Further, you can’t send your kids out in public naked, but no one blinks an eye at a cockapoo sans pants.  Lastly, since this is my blog and I do what I want, I declare

Winner: kids

Old age:

Cats & dogs don’t last much longer than 15 years.  Kids should be out of the house at 18, but you might have to give half your paycheck to their Fancy private college.  And, you might have to give them your basement until they’re 30 (not that I know anyone like that…).  However, when you’re old & incapable of living on your own, who’s going to pay for your nursing home?  Not Fido or Fluffy, but Junior now has that fancy college degree you helped pay for and we all know payback’s a bitch, so fork it over, Junior.  Mommy needs a nice home more than you need that house in the Hampton’s.

On the other side of things, odds are good you’ll outlive your pet, and have to go through the pain of their death.  Your kids will most likely outlive you, so maybe there’s some sadness you won’t have to deal with.  Also, not that you would really care at this point, but funeral homes don’t take credit cards from canines either.

Winner: Kids


If I invite you over my house for dinner and you bring your baby, no big.  If you bring your puppy (or worse, the dreaded cat), we’re going to have issues.  Malls?  Kids ok, pets not so much.  Restaurants?  While there are some where neither belong, I expect to see you at the nines with a toddler, but not with a dog.  And I don’t care what you (Joe) say, dogs on the train are not cute at all (service animals excluded, of course).  I guess you could run errands with your dog and leave him in the car on a comfortable day, where if you left a kid in a car seat you’d have the cops on you faster than the new Speaker of the House cries, but neither are really advisable.

Winner: Kids

So, clearly, kids are better than pets.  However, as referenced by the asterisk (*) above, none of this means I’ll be having either any time soon.  This is for purely hypothetical reasoning only, so do not call and ask when I’m having a kid (please refer to Pets: Part 1).

*Oh, yay, this is post #200!!!!*


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