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wikiHow of the Week: For my Teenaged Boy Readers

1 May

How to Be a Great Teenage Boyfriend

A guide to be a great teenage boy friend.

Steps

  1. Always be polite, never be a jerk.  (These are generally good words to live by)
  2. Keep what you do together between you and her. (Don’t kiss and tell)
  3. Always treat her with respect.  (R-E-S-P-E-C-T)
  4. Compliments are great but keep it to a maximum of two times a day. (why?)
  5. Make her feel like she is safe and wanted. (Can those two go together?)
  6. Never leave her on her own for your mates. (No Bros before Hos, I guess)
  7. Never pressure(or let anyone else pressure) you or her into doing things.
  8. Take it slow. This is the secret to all successful teenage relationships.
  9. Never feel embarrassed by her. (Unless she has poppy seeds in her braces.  Then its okay to be embarrassed)
  10. Never be afraid hug her / kiss her in public (PDAs are bad, mmmkay?)
  11. Always stick up for her (“You can be my hero, baby”)
  12. Wait by her locker and maybe give her a kiss on the cheek, but don’t be late for class! (Don’t be a fool, stay in school)
  13. Always talk to her and be kind and protective, but let her do her own thing (she has to learn how to stick up for herself)
  14. Always talk to her and never be afraid to talk even if your with your friends
  15. Say hi to her in the hallway and talk to her

 

 Tips

  • Compliments are a sure fire way to get a “Aww you’re so sweet” but only if you use them appropriately.

 

 Warnings

  • Don’t ever cheat.  (never ever)
  • Don’t over complement her. she will think you might be obsessed and break up with you.  (I don’t think so)

wikiHow of the Week: How to Get out of Work

27 Apr

How to Get out of Work (when You’re Already There)

Do not attempt this, unless you are willing to risk the consequences. Otherwise, enjoy your day off.

Steps

  1. The best, and most believable way to get off work early is this:
  2. Using your cell phone, call your work phone, and pick up.   (Oooh, tricky)
  3. Turn your cell phone off as soon as you answer your work phone, otherwise you’ll just waste your minutes.  (Yes, because if you’re going to be lazy, you might as well be cheap too)
  4. Answer the phone as you normally would, but say “O.K.” a lot, and sound really concerned, end the conversation (which should be around 2 minutes long) by saying “I’ll be right over/there” or something along those lines.  (This probably only works in cubeville)
  5. Walk pretty quickly to your boss, and tell him/her that your mom/dad/kid/wife/husband needs you.   (It might seem fishy if you say it like that: “Boss, my mom/dad/kid/wife/husband needs me.”  I suggest just using on.  You can thank me later for that tip).
  6. If they ask why, say desperately that you don’t know, but you’re really worried. start to leave, and say that you’re not sure when you’ll be back, but will call him/her with more details.   (Crying might help here as well).

 

Tips

  • Act really worried
  • Run out
  • Don’t get detailed
  • Tell them that you’ll probably not pick up your home or cell phone, but to call if they need serious help.

 

 Warnings

  • Do not attempt more than once a year at the most.   (And do not come back the next day with a tan)
  • If anybody finds out, you will be in huge trouble, and may even be fired.  (Especially if your boss sees you on tv catching a fly ball at the Cubbies game)
  • Do NOT say that somebody died!   (This causes wicked bad karma)

 

Things You’ll Need

  • 2 phones
  • a sensitive boss
  • acting skills

wikiHow of the Week

17 Apr

As much as this pains me to post, it was the featured wikiHow.  My apologies to my pals at TAC.

How to Get Rid of Junk Mail

Is your mailbox running over, full of stuff you don’t want? Junk mail wastes tremendous amounts of paper. It also piles up on your table, wastes your time, and competes for your attention. With a small investment of time, you can stop the flow at its source. Here’s how.

Steps

  1. Write to the mail preference service (US) or the Mailing preference service (UK). These do-not-mail lists are maintained by the major marketing associations that maintain and distribute the major mailing lists, but they do work. The US mail preference service will charge you one dollar ($1) to add your name to their opt-out list.
  2. Get rid of credit card solicitations in the US, by phoning 1-888-5 OPT OUT (or 1-888-567-8688). It is an automated number. Listen to the options carefully. It’s well worth calling — the opt-out is good for 5 years, or you can request to be permanently removed from their lists. This one phone call tells all four major credit reporting agencies to stop sending credit card offers. You can also make the request (5-year and permanent) using their online form.
  3. Call your credit card companies and ask them to stop sending you cash advance checks. Even if they come (conveniently) with your bill each month, cash advances usually start accruing interest immediately, so it’s not a good idea to use them. If you do receive them and don’t plan to use them, you should destroy them.
  4. Call individual catalog companies and ask them to remove you from their mailing lists. Sometimes it will be the same toll-free number that you would call to make an order; sometimes it will be a separate “customer service” number. Look around on the back cover and the order form. Occasionally, the customer service people will ask why you want to be removed. Simply explain that you are not interested in the products offered. Do have the catalog, or at least the mailing label from it handy when you call. Often they will request a tracking number or other code printed there.

  5. Go after individual senders. Some items are sent in such bulk that they go to every resident on a postal route. These are addressed to “Resident,” “Our Friends At,” or some variant. Your postal carrier cannot, by law, determine what you consider “junk mail”. All “resident” mail must be delivered as addressed. You must contact individual mailers to have your address removed from their database. Look around on mailers for return addresses and phone numbers. Here are quick links to some common ones.
    • America Online: phone 1-800-605-4297.
    • ADVO (responsible for the blobs of sales circulars and the little card with the missing children): Follow the link.
    • Val-Pak coupons: follow the link.
    • Publisher’s Clearinghouse: phone 1-800-645-9242 or email mailto:service@pchmail.com with your full address and instructions to remove from mailing list.
    • American Family Sweepstakes: phone 1-800-237-2400.
    • Pennysaver or Potpurri: phone 1-800-422-4116 and leave a detailed message with the full address, including ZIP code, as it appears on the mailer.
  6. Stop all mail not addressed to you:
    • If you are getting first class mail for a former resident, you can write Return to Sender/Not at this address on the envelope and drop that envelope right in the mail box.
    • If you are getting bulk mail for a former resident, you may have to follow the above steps.
  7. Place a sign by your mailbox that reads “No Free Papers”:
    • Free Papers are another form of junk mail that often plagues our front lawns. Many of the people who deliver free papers will simply stop once the resident has placed a sign near their mailbox that that reads “No Free Papers”.

 

 Tips

  • It’s a good idea to perform the first two steps even if you don’t do the rest. They will stop the greatest amount of mail with the smallest investment of time. Besides, having credit card offers sitting in your mailbox invites identity theft. If you do decide someday to apply for a credit card, they’re not hard to find even without the junk mail.
  • Avoid placing your address on surveys, raffles, and product warranty cards. If you do write your address or phone number, write alongside it something like, “Please do not sell or distribute my information, nor add to mailing lists.”
  • When filling out forms online, read privacy policies and watch for opt-out boxes.
  • Mail-order businesses, especially printing houses that print checks, return address labels, and other stationery, often send other mail and sell the addresses of their customers. If you order from one of these places, clearly state your preference.
  • If you’re curious about how junk mail spreads, intentionally misspell a name on a survey form or something of that nature. You’ll get more junk mail, not less, but it’s a simple experiment to see who’s sharing your information. Keep a record of which misspelling you have given to which company, lest you forget.
  • It’s generally not necessary to send in warranty cards or “register” a warranty for the warranty to be valid, regardless of what the card may imply.
  • If you do receive junk mail, do one of two things about it. Recycle it immediately, or call or write somebody about getting off the list.
  • Keep a recycling bin or trash can by your mailbox or wherever you sort mail.
  • Recognize that most companies sending direct mail are happy to take disinterested people off their lists. It costs them money to send you a thick, shiny catalog.
  • You may be told that it could take a couple of mailing cycles for mail to stop coming. This is a standard disclaimer you should take at face value.
  • If you are too busy to do the above steps yourself, you can take a shortcut by hiring a service to do them for you. A service like greendimes.com will remove your name and others in your household from direct mail lists, unsolicited credit card offers, as well as the catalogs that you selectively choose to unsubscribe from. They will revisit the direct mailers to keep you off the lists and plant a tree for you every month. The cost of a Green Dimes membership is a dime a day or $36/year.
  • Request your name be eliminated from the county tax database. Many companies target specific areas based on neighborhood subdivisions or home values. By making your information confidential in the county and state databases you may eliminate quite a bit of junk mail.

 

 Warnings

  • You shouldn’t have to spend money to get rid of junk mail. The junk mail removal kits you may see for sale generally don’t offer anything you can’t do on your own.
  • Sending junk mail back in the reply envelope may feel good, but it is not a particularly effective way to get off mailing lists. It is better simply to request to be removed.
  • Don’t be rude to the person who answers the phone, even if you’re mad about receiving something. He or she is paid to answer the phone (and is generally paid very little). This person is not personally responsible for your receiving it. But do, if necessary, be persistent, in addition to being kind.
  • Any offer that looks too good to be true, probably is. If something seems fishy, read the fine print, research it carefully, or simply pass it by. You may not really have won a million dollars, even if the magazine ordering materials make it seem as though you have.
  • Always make sure the mail “is” junk.

 

 

wiki-How of the Week: Drawing

3 Apr

 Since I’ve been boring you with wiki-Hows for a while, I thought I’d put one into action for you! 

 

How to Draw a Poodle

Would you like to draw poodles? Here is how to draw an animated, cartoon version of a poodle.

Steps

  1. Draw an upside down 3 leaf clover shape.
  2. Draw two circles for eyes inside the bottom leaf of the clover shape.
  3. Draw dots in these circles.
  4. Draw a triangle below the eyes. That is going to be the nose
  5. Draw an oval shape below and connected to the clover for a body.
  6. Draw two short vertical lines connected to the bottom the oval shape for legs.
  7. Draw a little circle on each of the ends of these lines for paws.
  8. Draw two more vertical lines for legs.
  9. Draw a circle at the end of those lines. Those are the paws.
  10. Draw a curved line on the side of the oval for a tail.
  11. Draw another smaller clover shape at the end of the curved line.
  12. Experiment with different styles of the clover shape, ovals and circles.

Because I am oh-so-smart, I tried to draw the clover upside down rather than just flipping it over.  Here’s attempt #1:

step-1.jpg

Next, I followed the remaining steps and came up with this pretty puppy:

step-2.jpg

He’s missing a mouth!  How will he eat?   

So, I finished my experiment by classing up my dogs a bit (click to enlarge).  Wah-La!  Look at that talent!

final.jpg

wikiHow of the Week: Where’s Waldo???

27 Mar

How to Find Waldo

Finding Waldo can be hard work, but with this guide you’ll be on your merry way.

Steps

  1. Look at an image of Waldo. There should be on the cover of the book. Look for the distinguishing features – striped top, blue pants, hat and glasses.
  2. Look at the scenery in which Waldo appears. Look for the colors that stand out in Waldo’s clothes, or look for the hat. These items will either be differently colored from the surrounding scenery or will stand out as something out of context. However, the picture is deliberately well hidden, so you need to be details oriented and persevere.
  3. Scroll across the paper with your index finger systematically until you find Waldo. You can start at the top or bottom and go along from side to side until you have covered the whole page.
  4. Repeat. Try this with every page in the book.

Tips

  • Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can just put your finger down in any place and you’ll find Waldo. This is the random Waldo finding technique.
  • Although finding Waldo is hard enough, at the end of the book are more challenges harder than finding Waldo, give it a try.

Warnings

  • No matter how much you convince yourself, Waldo will not find you.

wikiHow of the week: Sitting

22 Mar

How to Sit at a Formal Party

There’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.–Matt Groening (b. 1954)

People have been sitting since the early days of Colonial America, when Benjamin Franklin determined that a sedentary orientation was the best position from which to achieve the comfort level necessary to enjoy books borrowed from the Library Company of Philadelphia, established in 1731. This is the the proper way to sit in a chair. This may be helpful when you’re at a lavish party.

Steps

  1. Decide very carefully which chair you are going to sit on. “Chairs to the left of me, chairs to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you”.   (Are these folding chairs at my formal dinner party?  If so, I’m turning around and going home).

  2. When going to your table, pull out your chair. Pull it out slowly, but not too slowly. The goal is to complete this maneuver before the party ends.   (Don’t do this if someone is already in the chair).
  3. Sit down, again little by little, but not too slowly. You don’t want too much to happen between the time you begin your descent and the time you achieve your target position. You don’t want to miss any riparian entertainments being offered by the lady of the house.  (What?!?)
  4. If you have the opportunity to be seated out-of-doors, choose your location with great care. There may be a stupendous view just a few steps away. Don’t miss it. If mountains are near, use a feng-shui consultant and a compass so that you will achieve the perfect angle of repose.  (“No thank you Geeves, I’d rather sit out back with the livestock.”)

  5. Sit in the middle of the chair seat at first. If you are a magnificently accomplished chair sitter, you could try perching on the side, but only after quite a bit of rigorous practice. This might be useful if someone near you has not yet finished their dessert and you are still a bit hungry. You will probably want two helpings.   (Or f you have to share you seat with that cat and don’t want a crotch full of claws & teeth).

  6. If you are a cat, you will need to use a different body position. Sadly, modern-day technology has not advanced to the point where we know the perfect position for feline seating, so make your best guess. Run with it. You need to a take a chance in life to get a little comfort. (Here that, cats?  Owners, please read to you cat if they are too stupid to read.  And let me know, because stupid cats will not be invited to my next dinner party). 

Tips

  • Sitting has been outlawed in Nevada because it interferes with the ability of casino patrons to move among slot machines and other gaming devices. However, you can still find seating in nearby Utah if you are lucky enough to arrive on a non-sabbath day.  (You can’t sit anywhere in Nevada?  When the plane enters Nevada, do you have to stand up?)

Warnings

  • You shouldn’t do this at informal parties. (No sitting at informal parties.  Standing only).

  • Under no circumstances should you attempt to sit on a chair which is covered with snow.This could be incredibly dangerous and could , in case of a sudden rise in temperature, make you quite moist in exceedingly uncomfortable areas.  (You shouldn’t be at a formal party with snow on the chairs to begin with)

wikiHow of the Week: I don’t even know what to say to this one

14 Mar

How to Play Lemon

Welcome to the world of Lemon.

Steps

  1. Sit in a circle.
  2. Everyone playing will need several sheets paper and a pencil or pen.
  3. Have everyone in the circle write down their OWN name on a piece of paper. Fold your paper in half hiding what you have written and have everybody put their sheet of paper in the center of the circle.
  4. On another piece of paper write down a body part. Again fold the paper and put it in a separate pile beside the names.
  5. Shuffle the pieces of paper in each pile.
  6. Taking turns, have everyone draw one piece of paper out of each pile.
  7. Each person must tell the person on their piece of paper that they drew what body part was labeled and the must do something to the lemon using the body part listed on the paper.

Tips

  • This doesn’t have to be taken in a naughty way. If someone choose hand perhaps they must squeeze it in their hand.